Thursday, 25 February 2010

Em feeling like em killing MySeLf...

What the hell? Does anyone have an idea what is feels like to live with almost constant depression? Having to constantly resist suicidal tendencies? How can I explain to you about the world and how much bullshit I see and experience it, Will you understand?Sometimes life around me seems like a play, a movie.I look at my family, money laws and I look at strings on a puppet.

Friend are only friends because they have self interest.I have only one goal and that is to achieve happiness. I thought it is simple. em afraid to die unhappy but I seem to be too unhappy to live. Does that make any sense?And I feel like talking about depression (with other people who understand what you're talking about) helps, just as long as you talk about the right things.

It's just really frustrating to be living in a world full of people who don't understand it and have never experienced it. It makes me feel even worse.Depression changed me deeply, now the only thing I can say about me is that I'm most likely a "Monster" than a simple almost 23 year old girl. Depression changes me physically, i stand hours in front of the mirror in wash room and i cannot recognize the one i used to be, there're just those empty eyes gazing at Me. It's like I 've been replace by an alien organism, i cannot take back anymore my "innocence": everyday becomes the "next last day", bitterness replace anything else.

Everything loses meaning, and I will be always the most disappointed one about my situation; I 'll always blame myself of “being weak", of not being able to live in the "real world", of being a total inept.

em probably wasting my time here but it was good to write and get it off from my heart.

I trust at least one person will understand what I am saying

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